What a word.
For me, at least, it says: ‘My body failed me. In my most basic task of reproduction’.
All miscarriage stories will be different, but they all have some common themes: hope, fear and a loss of dreams.
Getting pregnant with Big was, well, uncommonly easy. Second try, there she was, a little blue line. As I panicked about the wedding in France we’d just been to (with its accompanying red wine and soft cheese) she grew fat and healthy and was birthed through the ‘sunroof’ when she utterly refused to be turned. My little breach baby looked at me, mewled, and was place on my chest.
But after that… my body turned on me. I could not get pregnant again. We wondered if it was the passing of time, added stress in our lives… and then… oh, oh, look, yes that one has held.
Six weeks in I miscarried. The care – a phonecall – was brief, the pain like a really intense period… nothing anyone could do, no advise given, you clearly can get pregnant so off you go again.
Roll forward six months and I am pregnant again. We are tentative, we don’t tell anyone, though the telltale signs of my not drinking coffee are there for anyone to see. Eleven weeks, nearly there… but I start to spot. We go to A&E.
It is the weekend. No scans are available.
Go home, rest, we’ve booked you in for Monday.
But good God that Sunday night. I bleed. Proper ‘I think we’re losing the baby’ bleeding. My brother is called in to come and sleep at our house so Big can sleep through. We blue light to the hospital with me trying to stay calm. All the while having, I later realise, a full on rushed delivery. My body is expelling our child.
Retrospectively, the care is appalling.
I am in the triage centre for ages as one doctor after another comes and tells me I am miscarrying.
I am finally transferred to a single room, and a nurse gives me an injection, no explanation given before she does it, to hurry the process along. My husband has to leave to be there when Big wakes up, explain where Mummy is. I am left, on my own, to see this through. There is no support from the nurses.
We still have the scan booked in in the morning, and so I sit, in pain, surrounded by other women here for their first, second scans. They are excited. I am nervous, frightened, sleep and food-deprived. And still there is more to come… and it is only when the D&C is done, that I am transferred to a proper ward, away from the pregnant women, away from the ward where they put everyone who doesn’t fit anywhere else… that I meet someone who takes time to care. She is the first kind member of staff I have met in this whole, unbelievable, 24 hours. Everyone else has done their job efficiently, but with no empathy.
I am sent home. Technically, there is nothing wrong with me anymore.
There was no follow up care. I spent 3 days barely able to get out of bed. I was exhausted, drained – both mentally and physically. I couldn’t talk to anyone when they asked how I was. I cried a lot. No professional came to knock on the door to see how I – how we – were doing.
Left to manage our own emotions, our feelings of emptiness, still look after Big, this was a really difficult time for us. We could have done with more help. I wonder if people think that because you haven’t broken your leg, or a ‘real’ child hasn’t died (possibly not, but they were real dreams, real hopes), that actually it’s not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
Miscarriage isn’t talked about. It’s still a little taboo. Perhaps we’re back to failure again. Or maybe it’s because it’s all a bit, well, messy.
When we missed our 12 week scan – hello? – we were called and admonished for not cancelling. I hadn’t really felt I should have to do that myself. Had, foolishly, expected a little joined up NHS thinking.
There needs to be a sea change here. There is a staggeringly high proportion of women who miscarry every year. They all need kindness. Compassion. To be talked to.
Follow on care.
To be treated separately to the women who are celebrating their soon to be babies. So we can privately mourn the not to be babies. Mourn the life not had. To be enabled to move on.
Hello Small. *waves*
Mumsnet is running a campaign to improve miscarriage care in England & Wales. You can read about it here: