I don’t know if I have always hated change. I like to think that in my younger, more carefree days, I was open to doing things on a whim, dropping everything at the sound of something fun, looking forward to something different…. I’m not sure though.
I do know that having had Big, and certainly since having Small, OH and I have revelled, thrived on routine. We like to know what’s happening, and on what day, well in advance of its advent. Woe betide any – any – new thing that rears its head.
And yet change is coming. I see it coming, I have time to plan for it, yet I cannot look it in the eye.
I love our current set up. Every other Sunday Small goes off – bag packed, buggy folded – to stay overnight with his carer. Here is what I like about her:
– She is lovely
– Her family is lovely and they are clearly very fond of Small. Her two boys are older and Small adores them.
– They do such nice things together. They go swimming, or to feed the ducks, see the animals in the nature park. Sometimes, they visit her mum, who is local, and she has a dog. Small loves dogs. He thinks they’re hilarious.
– We know her.
But Small, pulling to sitting though he is, still has to be carried about from place to place, and weighing in at 17kg of boy, he’s not exactly light. As his parents, we are happy to carry him, happy to risk our backs, our knees, our ankles as we are just not ready to allow hoists into our house. We hope (and hope is something we haven’t allowed ourselves to do for a long long time) that in a year or so he will weight bear enough to transfer himself from bed to chair to car. But we cannot ask someone else to do this, to risk their health for our boy, and Pam has always been clear that she doesn’t want equipment in her house.
So back to Social Services we go. They have found someone who they think will be able to look after Small, although she is half an hour away. Half an hour – down country roads. She will have the right equipment in her house, her car can accommodate Small’s new buggy. I am meeting her this week. And good God the mess of emotions. Will I like her? Will she be right for Small? What will they do together? Will she love him, take good care of him, comfort him when he cries? Will he be ok sleeping here, in this house, without anyone he knows? Am I allowed to say no, this person is not right?
This ought to be a positive. We are hopefully finding someone with whom we can build a relationship for a long time. Someone who will be able to provide our much-needed respite for years to come, without the need for change again. But we fear change, especially in relation to our children, and this is the biggest change we have had to face so far.